Why I’m Thankful That I’m Old

Why I’m Thankful That I’m Old

Today is American Thanksgiving. I favor this holiday as it’s an opportunity to spend time with relatives and buddies. To be truthful though, I dislike it because we ought not be celebrating the Pilgrims. Instead, I think we should be taking the opportunity to discuss exactly how we can be better at showing fairness and respect to indigenous men and women and those in the minority.

Thanksgiving does inspire us to apply gratitude and thanks. I like that part of the holiday. Here is what I’m thankful for:

I’m thankful that I’m old.

That is correct. I’m thankful that I don’t have to worry about monthly cycles or what everyone else thinks of me. I’m thankful that I no longer sweat the small stuff, and I understand that most things are small. (That was my Dad’s advice when I got married. Smart man.)

I’m thankful i am aware that my ultimate happiness comes from connection to my friends, family and those of you I serve…and not from completing projects on time or making additional money.

Life can suck, and I’m thankful I have the perspective to accept that gracefully. I am aware it’s going to pass, and that joy and peace will undoubtedly be waiting around the place.

I’m thankful that I finally allowed myself to admit that the love of a man was anything I needed in my own life, and that I figured out just how to bring that into my life, and keep making it better.

And I’m amazingly thankful that you allow me into your life and into your heart…and trust me to be your guide and partner in your journey to love.

How about you? Are you currently thankful to be old? (If ‘old-er’ works better for you, please feel free to replace.) If you’re not feeling the gratitude like I am, I thought I’d give you are a few places you can go to get some good inspiration and information.

Here is my friend and colleague Cynthia Pastor’s style inspiration to bring out the bad ass in you!

This website is gorgeous. It celebrates stylish older women. (And examine out his documentary!)Some great tips on how to enjoy life after 50.19 Reasons Getting Older is the Best Thing is xpickup a scam Can Happen for your requirements. (Very fun!)

I hope you celebrate our magnificence with me!

I’d love to hear what you need certainly to add to my listing. How is life better for you now that you’re into the second part of your life? What do you NOT miss about being 20? Inform us!

Should you date a separated man? Let’s put it this way…

I did. Then I married him.

So, my answer is, Hell Yes!

To be clear, I would never encourage you to go out trying to find separated men to date. I didn’t.

In fact, I didn’t notice Larry’s profile said he was separated until I was on my solution to our meet-date! As usual, I was time-challenged so it was too late to make a U-turn and cancel.

As I was driving truth be told there I was thinking that I was likely wasting my time.

My coffee wasn’t even warm when as well as the conversation began…

Me: I noticed you are separated. What’s up with that?

( The beauty of dating such as a grownup is that you can talk about real stuff. Even awkward stuff.)

Notice I didn’t add any judgments or assumptions to my question. It was just simple, open-ended and once I asked it, I shut up and listened very carefully to his response.)

Look, we have been not 25 anymore with relatively clean slates. We’ve lived complicated everyday lives, we’ve made bad choices, we’ve got pasts and serious obligations.

There can be many perfectly acceptable ( to you) reasons a man hasn’t yet divorced.

Him: Yep, I am. We’ve been living separately for a few years.

Me: Why haven’t you divorced?

Him: I’m not planning on getting married again and so I just haven’t gotten around to it.

Me: Oh. I’m dating because I’m ready to get married…when I meet the right man.

Him: Okay. Well can you however want to have coffee?

Me: Sure. I guess so.

Talk about getting our cards on the table, tout de suite, right?

He didn’t go running and screaming when I said the ‘M word. And I heard just what he said, ‘I’m not planning on getting married…. NOT ‘I’m never getting married… So, I figured that it was worth getting to know him a little bit. Plus he seemed grownup and confident ane kind. I liked being around him.

We carried on with our coffee…

then we had lunch. ( Our original plan was to have coffee and ‘if we didn’t gross each other out have lunch. Those were his words. Cute.)

Then we had dinner the next night.

I started realizing that being late might have paid off this time!

Look, we have been not 25 anymore with relatively clean slates. We’ve lived complicated everyday lives, we’ve made bad choices, we’ve got pasts and serious obligations.

There can be many perfectly acceptable ( to you) reasons a man hasn’t yet divorced.

The only way to find out is always to ASK and discuss it. Such as a grownup. If he contacts you online and you like his profile, ASK. If you meet another way and he mentions he is separated, ASK.

You can say what I did. Or ask ‘as you’re dating what are you eventually selecting? Or ‘Do you plan on divorcing? And on occasion even ‘I have some mixed feelings about that. Can we talk about it?

Divorce can be high priced and a major hassle. So, for many men, unless they have a great reason to have divorced (like another woman in their life) they may put it off.

Or maybe his ex is in need of his health insurance benefits that she would lose if they divorce. I’ve heard that more than once and, as someone with a chronic illness, I totally get it. That’s anything a good guy does, not an asshole. So, good to know, right?

Of course, there may be red-flags as to why he’s however married. But instead of taking the seemingly simple road and just writing him off…make the effort to ask the best questions, listen carefully and believe what he says. Oh, and share your truth.

There are ways to find out what you really need to find out about his past relationships. That doesn’t include asking him why they split up or anything of that sort. That you do not want to dive into that muck, sibling.

Instead, use this secret question to get to the meaningful information: What have you learned from your marriage and other past relationships? This means, what do you bring into the present

Again, I’m not suggesting that you seek out dating a married man. But, when you run into one and he seems interesting, give him the doubt until there is a grownup conversation about it.

Maybe your dating a separated man story may turn out like mine:

Larry filed for divorce 3 weeks after our first date.

half a year later I became a first-time bride at age 47. That was in 2006.

So, should you date a separated man? Hell yes! Because you never know.

What’s your experience? Are you currently separated and dating? Do you have stories about men you dated who are separated? I’d love to hear from you so leave me a comment!

PS: This is exactly the type of question I help women answer in my own Over40 Love School. Being able to make decisions like these is important. If I didn’t know how to answer this I’d likely nevertheless be single. 🙂

If you are a woman dating after 40, it’s likely you had at least several breakups that have left you feeling broken hearted. So…how Do you really get over your ex?

Maybe you’re going by way of a breakup now. Maybe you broke up years ago. Maybe you’re however aching over that intense month-long ‘thing you had with the hot guy, that ended abruptly when he disappeared.

Is there some man in your past which seems to be haunting you? The one that got away, or the person who you wish you could have back? You still care about him. You can’t figure out what you did wrong. You’re upset. You can’t shake the sadness. You just can’t seem to move on.

I don’t care how strong or separate or confident you are, breakups can hurt like hell.

There is a lot of practical advice on how to get over a breakup, most which I agree with. Block him on Facebook, take a trip with your friends, remove his personal items from your home. These are all good ways to help you stop feeling the emotional discomfort. I recommend you take these actions, nevertheless they only help you avoid. They don’t help you truly get over your ex and heal.

I don’t care how strong or separate or confident you are, breakups can hurt like hell.

If you are going to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and be loved – you have to do some icky, scary work. You will need to go deep. You will need to learn from your experience.

Yes, I’m talking about digging in and reliving it – all of it. The meeting, the relationship plus the breakup. The delight, the pain, the confusion…the feelings. It can be messy. It will challenge you. But I promise, it’s this that leads you to new love.

Almost every woman i am aware, both friends and women I coach, have some unresolved past relationship junk that is hovering into the background of her life.

What did I do wrong?

Why didn’t he want me?

How could I have made such a bad error?

Why can’t I forget him?

Will anyone ever love me?

Wow. These are some powerful concerns! You can see why, when they go unanswered, we can feel unworthy, insecure, unlovable, even hopeless.

There’s also the anger. We have trouble trusting males. Or even worse, we can’t trust ourselves.

If you are going to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and be loved – you have to do some icky, scary work.

Until these feelings get acknowledged. plus the dynamics of your relationship get processed in a way that helps you understand your experience and learn from it, you are sure to keep repeating your patterns or simply remaining single.

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Here is a summary of the three actions you can take to help you learn, let it go, and love again.

1. Choose to understand Relationship as being a Positive

There are an endless number of measures on the way to your forever, grownup love story. The lonely very single days, the bad and boring dates, the fun dates, the childish mistakes you make feeling enjoyed and, yes, feeling like your heart is broken.

Every one of these measures are rungs on your own ladder to love. You can choose to view them as failures and wasted time. Or you can choose to see them as requisite experiences leading up to your life’s ultimate desire.

The first rung on the ladder in getting over your ex is to agree to open your heart and mind so you can look for the positive in your experience. When you do, I promise you’ll find it.

2. Learn How to Be a Better Man-Picker

This man and this partnership wasn’t right for you. Eventually it didn’t move you to happy. (Understatement?) I’d even venture to say that, once you look closely, you’ll find you weren’t too happy while in the relationship.

Probably the most positive aspects of your breakup can be that you learn how to make better choices and take better care of yourself. To do that, you will need to start with knowing – really knowing – the FEELINGS you must have in order to be happy in a relationship.

Let me say that again: you wish to discover how You will need to feel in order to be happy.

The method that you feel is the bar by which it is possible to certainly measure the value of your relationship with a man…especially one that you wish to last a lifetime. It’s not in what he DOES. It’s not exactly how much he laugh. It’s not even exactly how he feels about you.

This is often hard. Many women don’t even comprehend what we want or need. We’ve never articulated it. We’ve never allowed ourselves to ask that question.

Instead, we pass by some general sense, an intuition, every day to day thing. Today I’m happy and feel good. I like this about him, I don’t like that. We’re getting along. We’re not. He wants me and so I guess I want him.

When I coach women in my 1-1 coaching programs, we work with my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him system. Step 3 of that system is ‘Who is He: Getting Past My listing.

Basically, the work you do with me here helps you ‘fix your picker. It helps you understand the feelings which can be very important to you to have in order to feel fulfilled and whole in a relationship and then identify your must-haves.

Here are just a few of the normal examples of what comes up for women:

I would like to feel safe.

I would like to feel special.

I would like to feel comprehended.

You see? When you view your relationship based on the method that you feel with him (and, btw, when you’re not with him) things can look quite different. This will be even clearer in your next step.

3. Process and Reflect on the Distinct Parts of Your Relationship

Relationships are made up three distinct elements:

# 1 You

# 2 Him

#3 The relationship

When you explore each of these elements separately, you can expose some really juicy learning.

The purpose of some exploration isn’t to find out who was right or incorrect, or what mistakes you made. The purpose is to take a thoughtful, truthful look at this life experience, grab the learning, and forge forward in your journey to lasting, grownup love.

Sibling, if there is a man who’s haunting you or a relationship you can’t seem to leave behind, I would like to help you get to your positive takeaways…and move the hell on!

The questions here will guide you to clarity exactly how you can be a better partner, choose a better partner and better nurture a relationship.

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And here is a biggy: You’ll also get clear on which and what it is that you’re certainly mourning. (This may surprise you, in a delightful way.)

If you feel reluctant to revisit yesteryear, I get it. It may feel like you’re finally getting over him, plus the idea of dredging it up again feels pretty sucky. But like I said earlier, it’s not enough to stop feeling the emotional pain because you’ve learned just how to block it.

You wish to heal!

With healing, you will see the positive in this relationship. You’ll be able to use the ability to eventually make your life better. You will be so much closer to your grownup love story!

You can let go of yesteryear and use the positive side of heartbreak to move on with lightness, clarity and a fresh begin.

View here to have your worksheet: How to Get Over Your Ex, So You Can Learn, let it go and Love (for Real)

I’d love to hear from you. What comes up for you as read this post so when you work the process? What have you learned about yourself, him and your relationship? Let me know by leaving me a comment!